My book on singleness and the church released in November of 2017, and since then, I’ve had increased opportunity to discuss my single life. I’ve recognized the need to dispel some myths.
Myth 1 – My single life is inherently lonely.
Yes, single people tend to spend more time alone than their married counterparts. But single living needn’t be inherently lonely. As a matter of fact, many singles find that they have more time to invest in meaningful friendships. I know I do.
Myth 2 – I must not have heard of internet dating.
Of course I have. I’ve also heard of all the other ways singles meet, and I’ve tried most of them. While I’m very happy for your cousin Theresa who met her husband online, that doesn’t mean it will automatically happen for me. As of 2015, though 40 million Americans were signed up for online dating, only 7% of marriages that year were between couples who met through dating apps, and apparently a woman’s “desirability” online peaks at age 21. So let’s moderate our expectations on this one.
Myth 3 – You should downplay your happy marriage so as not to hurt my feelings.
It brings me great joy to see my friends delighting in their marriages. If you’re in a successful committed relationship, shout it to the skies and give glory to God for richly blessing you!
Myth 4 – I experience consistent emotions about my singleness.
Honestly, my feelings fluctuate. Although I’ve reached a measure of contentment with my situation, I don’t feel obligated to maintain a veneer of fake positivity at all times. Sometimes I have a down night and need to sit under a fuzzy blanket rereading the love letter from Jane Austen’s Persuasion while blubbering into my mug of ginger tea, and I don’t care who knows it.
Myth 5 – I’m the spokesperson for all Christian singles.
The word my in the title of this post was chosen very specifically.
I absolutely cannot speak for every single person–not even for every single Christian woman. Everyone’s single life is a bit different, and while I can address broad principles, I’m still only speaking for myself. Background, personality, goals, geography, culture, age, family dynamics, careers, and so many more factors contribute to differences, both large and small. It’s one of the reasons I surveyed and interviewed hundreds of Christian singles before I wrote my book.
I’ve known joyful older singles who have never married; confused single-agains who have survived devastating divorces; older, freshly widowed singles re-learning how to cook for one; eager twentysomethings already wondering if they’ll be single forever. All have different spiritual, emotional, and relational needs.
One of the best ways to serve your single friends, then, is to build relationships with them, learning to serve them well by applying your own unique spiritual gifts to their individual needs.
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 4:10-11.
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I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you’re single, add more myths you’d like to dispel. If you’re married, tell us how you’re loving and serving your single friends. Share in the comments below–and share this post with a friend who might relate!
Happy Monday, everyone! May your coffee be strong, your day productive, and your fellowship sweet.
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For more on The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles, see here.
Ruth Buchanan 
Amen! These are all very true. Thanks for sharing this post!
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Glad to know this resonates with someone else who’s been there!
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I’m married, but I have some singles in my life I love very much, so I have your book in my TBR pile!
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Excellent. I look forward to hearing your thoughts when you finish!
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I am single and feel very sad about it. Single living is not how I envisioned my life to be. Recently turned 39 and a sufferer of mental health, largely driven by men and lack of control of budding relationships, I am now in a position where I still want a relationship but don’t trust or want to give a chance to men for fear of rejection. I also agree with Myth2 – internet dating does work for some people but not for me. I’ve tried it for years and continuously meet time wasters.
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Bless you! Being single at 39 is very different from being single at 19 or 29, and sometimes people who were single when they were younger will tell you they understand because they remember what being single feels like…only their memories don’t encompass your experience. I will be praying for you.
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I’m also single at 39, and for sure, like any circumstance, it brings waves of different emotions. My singleness more easily allowed me to pick up my life and move where the Lord called internationally. But it also means following that call alone and building something new alone, at least at first.
Lamentations 3 is one of my favorites. It’s a great reminder that we mourn when we are looking around at our circumstances, but when we regain the right focus and perspective, we praise regardless of circumstance. Because the love of the Lord endures forever.
He loves singles. He loves marrieds. He doesn’t favor one or the other. He’s done greater things than being a husband to a single girl on the other side of the world from her home, but sometimes that greater thing is her finding that He’s enough in the no’s.
Good myth busting. Keep speaking truth. ❤️
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Yes, April! I also spent a year living overseas, and that couldn’t have happened if I’d married early. That year was totally formative and enriching, as well as a sort of spiritual boot camp. I have some lessons I wouldn’t have learned any other way. That’s not to say that God couldn’t use other circumstances to teach those lessons to others!
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Single at 32, and my myth is that I don’t want to get married.
I’ve had a number of people assume this.
The fact of the matter is, I’ve been living in Asia for the past 10 years, and solid Christian, single men, who are interested in marrying a ‘foreign’ girl are extremely rare.
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Oh my goodness, I fight that myth too! I think people assume that once you’re my age (39) you must be pretty set in your status regardless of whether or not you’re single by choice. I’ll pray for you!
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This is such a great post!
I’m a blessed and happily married woman, but I remember my single years well (at almost 7 years we are – in my mind – still newlyweds).
I hear you on the fluctuating bit. I was the same as a single. I spent most of my early twenties doing missions and went between “I’m a confident single woman” to “man it would be nice to have someone to do this with” all the time.
And I was also encouraged by great marriages (especially my parents).
Again, great post!
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Thanks for stopping by, Amy, and thanks for your thoughts. I think most singles fluctuate in how they feel, although I did interview some (for my book) who claimed to be pretty steadfast in their opinions and projected an almost exclusively positive/negative experience. I found that really interesting!
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Hi thanks ffor sharing this
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