S.O.S. (Support Our Singles)

My book on singleness and the church released in November of 2017, and since then, I’ve had increased opportunity to discuss my single life.

I was able to write such a book because I’m supported by my community. My family, friends, and church family do really well at rallying round to ensure that I’m well cared for. This is partly true because I’m vocal with my needs. It’s also true that when I reach out, they reach back.

Here are a few things they do for me. Consider whether or not these practical steps would also work for the single adults in your lives.

Feed Us

In my book, I discuss why I don’t like to eat alone and how my community helps ensure that it doesn’t happen very often. I won’t cover that ground again in this post. Instead, I’ll highlight ways in which others go above and beyond when it comes to keeping me fed.

In addition to not liking to eat alone, I also don’t like cooking for one. (Who does?) It’s not rare for me get a text saying there’s a Tupperware of lasagna or a crock of soup in someone’s fridge with my name on it. All I need to do is pick it up or (depending on my schedule) wait for it to be dropped off. Honestly, few things make me feel more cared for.

Second, I have friends with whom I exchange fresh fruits and vegetables. I mean, there’s no way I’m going to eat an entire bag of tangerines by myself before some of them spoil, and most people won’t miss parting with a few shoots of green onion, a handful of carrots, or a single stalk of celery. Sometimes the exchange rate works in my favor; sometimes in theirs. That’s just how these things go! At least fresh fruits and veggies aren’t going to waste.

Surround Us

There’s a difference between inviting someone along and inviting them in. The former makes sure we’re not alone. The latter ensures we’re not lonely.

Don’t just seek to “hang out.” Surround your singles, physically as well as emotionally. Don’t just spend time with us. Invite us fully into your lives.

Pray for Us

The best way to know how to pray for your single friends is to ask individually.

If someone were to ask me today, here’s what I’d say.

  • Pray that I walk in the will of God.
  • Pray that I can maintain a chaste life.
  • Pray that my life shows off God’s glory.
  • Pray that the Word dwells richly in me.
  • Pray that God blesses my work both inside and outside the church.
  • Pray that God grants ongoing grace as certain aspects of my life run counter to my expectations and desires.

Press Love In

A friend and I were talking last week about how in the Old Testament Book of Ruth, Ruth’s mother-in-law Naomi didn’t just need to be loved. Naomi needed love pressed into her, and Ruth spends much of the book doing just that.

What a wonderful picture of Christ, not to mention a perfect description of how we’re to express Christian love. Love isn’t just a passive emotion. It’s a continual, active response.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:16-18)

When you press love in, it’s not possible for people to be with you and walk away feeling neglected.

Exactly what this looks like will depend a lot on your personality and how you naturally express yourself. Pressing love into someone can be tiring. It’s work. But it’s worth it.


For more information on caring for singles in your church, please see The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles: How Pastors, Marrieds, and Church Leaders Effectively Support Solo Members.

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Ruth’s Extremely Helpful Do-It-Yourself Online Dating Profile Sample Questionnaire


Note: This post was originally published in 2015 on my former blogging site. It’s been refreshed and relocated for your convenience. Enjoy!

Recently someone asked a friend of mine if she’d ever considered internet dating and seemed shocked when she said she wasn’t interested.

I wasn’t shocked. I get it. Internet dating’s a lot of work.

Consider the process. When singles first join an online dating service, they’re immediately tasked with filling out long, tedious, one-size-fits-all surveys. Frankly, it feels a lot like homework.

Homework isn’t pointless, of course; and while the online-dating system does work occasionally, that doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.

Perhaps one way to refine the system would be to spice it up by offering our own questions.

I’ve provided a sample set below.

Ruth’s

Extremely Helpful

Do-It-Yourself

Online Dating Profile

Sample Questionnaire

Your Name:

Childhood Nickname(s):

Your Age (select one): 

[ ] Old Enough
[ ] Older
[ ] Oldest
[ ] Benjamin Button

Your Body Type (select one): 

[ ] Hourglass
[ ] Anchovy
[ ] Chopstick
[ ] Texas
[ ] Yam

Your Personality Type (select one): 

[ ] Chocolate
[ ] Vanilla
[ ] Salsa
[ ] Triple Venti Vanilla Bean Soy Latte with No Foam
[ ] Turnip

You in a Crisis (select one):

[ ] Okoye
[ ] 007
[ ] River Tam
[ ] Mr. Bean

Languages (select all that apply):

[ ] Pop Culture
[ ] Logic
[ ] Irony
[ ] Math
[ ] Puns
[ ] Philosophy
[ ] Theology
[ ] Computers
[ ] Scifi
[ ] History
[ ] Fashion
[ ] Alternate History
[ ] Music
[ ] ¡Emotions!
[ ] Sportsball
[ ] Real Talk
[ ] Books
[ ] Drivel

Complete the Sentence: “I love long walks on  ____________.”

[ ] the beach
[ ] the moon
[ ] tightropes
[ ] the Dark Side

Your Sense of Humor:

[ ] Michael Scott
[ ] Lucy Ricardo
[ ] April Ludgate
[ ] Severus Snape

How would you describe your emotional resting state?

[ ] Solid
[ ] Liquid
[ ] Gas
[ ] Plasma
[ ] Dark Matter

You without coffee:

[ ] Lethargy
[ ] Stupor
[ ] Delirium
[ ] Angst
[ ] Selective Mutism
[ ] Vegetative State
[ ] N/A (don’t drink coffee)*
*Please abandon survey.

Select One:

[ ] Salty
[ ] Sweet

Select One:

[ ] Breakfast foods
[ ] Other foods

Select One:

[ ] Malcolm X
[ ] Malcolm Gladwell
[ ] Malcolm, Prince of Cumberland
[ ] Malcolm in the Middle

Select One:

[ ] Early Bird
[ ] Night Owl
[ ] Screech Owl
[ ] Ostrich

Select One:

[ ] Reading
[ ] Writing
[ ] Arithmetic
[ ] Swashbuckling

Name Your Ideal Man: 
Name Your Ideal Woman: 

Reasons you are late for things (select all that apply):

[ ] No real sense of time and space
[ ] You never write anything down
[ ] Wardrobe issues
[ ] Getting distracted
[ ] Getting lost
[ ] Netflix
[ ] Naps
[ ] Caught up at work
[ ] Trapped in a time loop
[ ] Stopping to help turtles cross the street
[ ] Different cultural understanding of time
[ ] Exempt (you are never late)

Complete the sentence: “There is no _________”

[ ] fear in love
[ ] business like show business
[ ] Frigate like a Book / To take Us Lands away
[ ] crying in baseball
[ ] try
[ ] spoon

Select a theatre:

[ ] Movie
[ ] Military
[ ] Surgical
[ ] Puppet

Music:

[ ] Playlist
[ ] Shuffle
[ ] Same song on repeat

Ideal room temperature (F):

[ ] 60-65
[ ] 65-70
[ ] 70-75
[ ] 75-80

The number of pillows necessary for sleep:

[ ] 1
[ ] 2-3
[ ] 5-7
[ ] 8-12
[ ] ALL THE PILLOWS

Documentaries:

[ ] Always
[ ] Sometimes
[ ] Never

Talking during plays/movies:

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Eating in the car:

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Sharing fries:

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Stopping to ask for directions:

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Disobeying the GPS in lieu of common sense:

[ ] Always
[ ] Sometimes
[ ] Never

Surprises: 

[ ] Always
[ ] Sometimes
[ ] Never

Best Holiday:

[ ] Thanksgiving
[ ] Easter
[ ] Christmas
[ ] New Year’s
[ ] Pi Day
[ ] National Battery Day
[ ] What If Our Pets Had Opposable Thumbs Day
[ ] The Festival of Sleep

Reading:

[ ] Yes

Travel:

[ ] Yes

Religion:

[ ] Jesus


So there you have it! My very own do-it-yourself online dating profile sample questionnaire.

What do you think about the concept? What questions would you include if you wrote your own? Let us know in the comments below! (You don’t have to be single to chime in: some of us could use some pointers on what to add to our own surveys.)

In other news, as of this posting, the e-book for Collapsible: A Novel of Friendship, Broken Bones, Coffee, Shenanigans, and the Occasional Murder is temporarily on sale for $1.99. Snap it up! Also, if you’ve already read and enjoyed any (or all) installments in the trilogy, could I prevail on you to leave a sentence or two of an honest review? Reviews boost visibility for new authors and help us build trust with wider audiences.

Plus, I’ll love you forever. So there’s that.

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope your day is fabulous. May your coffee be hot, your A/C cool, and your online dating profile anything but boring.

5 Myths About My Single Life

My book on singleness and the church released in November of 2017, and since then, I’ve had increased opportunity to discuss my single life. I’ve recognized the need to dispel some myths.

Myth 1 – My single life is inherently lonely.

Yes, single people tend to spend more time alone than their married counterparts. But single living needn’t be inherently lonely. As a matter of fact, many singles find that they have more time to invest in meaningful friendships. I know I do.

Myth 2 – I must not have heard of internet dating.

Of course I have. I’ve also heard of all the other ways singles meet, and I’ve tried most of them. While I’m very happy for your cousin Theresa who met her husband online, that doesn’t mean it will automatically happen for me. As of 2015, though 40 million Americans were signed up for online dating, only 7% of marriages that year were between couples who met through dating apps, and apparently a woman’s “desirability” online peaks at age 21. So let’s moderate our expectations on this one.

Myth 3 – You should downplay your happy marriage so as not to hurt my feelings.

It brings me great joy to see my friends delighting in their marriages. If you’re in a successful committed relationship, shout it to the skies and give glory to God for richly blessing you!

Myth 4 – I experience consistent emotions about my singleness.

Honestly, my feelings fluctuate. Although I’ve reached a measure of contentment with my situation, I don’t feel obligated to maintain a veneer of fake positivity at all times. Sometimes I have a down night and need to sit under a fuzzy blanket rereading the love letter from Jane Austen’s Persuasion while blubbering into my mug of ginger tea, and I don’t care who knows it.

Myth 5 – I’m the spokesperson for all Christian singles.

The word my in the title of this post was chosen very specifically.

I absolutely cannot speak for every single person–not even for every single Christian woman. Everyone’s single life is a bit different, and while I can address broad principles, I’m still only speaking for myself. Background, personality, goals, geography, culture, age, family dynamics, careers, and so many more factors contribute to differences, both large and small. It’s one of the reasons I surveyed and interviewed hundreds of Christian singles before I wrote my book.

I’ve known joyful older singles who have never married; confused single-agains who have survived devastating divorces; older, freshly widowed singles re-learning how to cook for one; eager twentysomethings already wondering if they’ll be single forever. All have different spiritual, emotional, and relational needs.

One of the best ways to serve your single friends, then, is to build relationships with them, learning to serve them well by applying your own unique spiritual gifts to their individual needs.

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 4:10-11.

~ ~ ~

I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you’re single, add more myths you’d like to dispel. If you’re married, tell us how you’re loving and serving your single friends. Share in the comments below–and share this post with a friend who might relate!

Happy Monday, everyone! May your coffee be strong, your day productive, and your fellowship sweet.

~ ~ ~

For more on The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles, see here.

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